Insecurities [embracing all of you who has been bullied]

    It's not common for me to tell my deppest feeling in my blog. But, I just couldn't tell it to anyone, even my mom. I have this insecurities that haunts me since I was in elementary school. I've been bullied because of my physical appearance, I've been trough many sad things. For some of you might think, "what happened to you was nothing. You're only fat, not obesse. You still have friends, you still bla bla bla" but seriously, I'm not as good as you think I am. Even though I always say to myself that a girl should be praise not only by her physical appearance but by her mind too. But seems like it is a global trademark that girl MUST be pretty, skinny and just being sex bomb to guys.
    I'm fat, my teeth just a mess, I don't have pretty smile. My skin is not smooth, I don't like make up, I like vegetables, I can only cook. I wash my clothes every Sunday so my hands are not smooth, I do everything by myself, I'm not rich. I'm not as happy as it looks, I like being alone with my book. I don't have any magnets to attract people near me, they just come and go like the wind.
    In friendship, oh, worst. I always the one that being picked, they choose whoever they like based on some criteria of their squad, and they never choose me. I always left alone. It's a fact, it keeps on happening till now I'm in high school, maybe it'll get worse and worse in the future. Idk what's wrong with me, I'm a nice person, I never lie to anyone that I loved especially my friends, I always trying to be honest, I'm loyal, I listen to their story and I never judge. I don't care whether they want to be with me only in their sad times or not (indo: temen musiman). I never had a thought 'musiman' to my friends, I respect their own bussiness. I ask 'what's wrong' everytime I see them alone and sad, I encourage them, I support them. Because I know how it feels to be alone. I know how it feels to be unwanted.
    I have one special friend since I was in elementary school. Her birthdate is same with me, we're still in a nice relationship till this very second, and I appreciate how she keeps this friendship with me.
    I always be the one to judge. Because of my physical appearance is the most. They keeps on telling me "elephant" since elementary school, and changed to be "rhino" in middle school, and idk what else. One thing that they don't know, I was depressed when I was grade 8, I almost kill myself because of that situation. Then I pray to God to gave me strenght, he always listens to me. Then I went on a very tight diet, I don't eat rice, I don't eat meat and fish, I only eat green, I don't consume sugar. It works, I lost about 5kg in less than a month, but it turns out killing me inside. I started to feel pain in my stomach during second month of my "diet program" , I thought it was just cramps. Then I asked my mom to go to doctor. Doctor said, it was the gastric acid, and if I keep on continue my unhealthy diet program, my gastric will get infected and starts to make hole because of the acid and slowly goes to my heart and kills me right away. My mom was so angry to me like....why on earth I did that....but then I told her, and she starts to understand.
    The side effect, my gastric ulcer keeps on killing me when I missed my lunch. Plus this extra mark on my hips, my thigh and under my arms as signs that I've been trough "suicide diet" back then. But it didn't change anything, I still be the one that being picked. And since that, I still think that I might do the same thing, later, when my self esteem keeps being shot by people that I trust the most.
    I embrace all of you who did---or almost did the same. Just.....stay alive, life is matter when you enjoy it. Don't listen to them, be yourself, don't copy anyone just because you want to be accept by a group. Claim yourself and be good, you'll be love by the true of you are.
    So, be strong!
    Xx.