For the past two months, i've been feeling ups and downs. I feel like i want to do anything: i want to film tiktok video, i want to try a new makeup look, i want to finish a book in one day, but i ended up doing nothing.
I worked in a museum, so i have my day off on Monday, and other chosen day, i usually go for Thursday or Friday. So, every Sunday and Wednesday/Thursday night, i can think of so many things that i'd do in the morning: i'd wake up at 6, have my morning jog, waiting for my laundry while making breakfast at 8, read my TBR book til 1 pm then have a nap til 3pm. When the morning came, i woke up at 9, did not do my morning jog, did not do my laundry, shopeefoods my brunch at 11 and went back to bed scrolling on my tiktok til 4 pm.
I'm pretty sure we've all been there, little did we know, we actually passed those times and feel fine again, but when it hits, it hits. I noticed, i've always been like this when i've been spending more time in my phone than in my journal. I left my journal empty for the past months, and it's not because i'm not depressed and don't have anything to crash out (God knows my thought went crazy every night), but simply because i don't feel like it. When i actually have the time and the mood to write, the feelings already passed.
This actually against the purpose of journaling (at least for me). I do journaling because i struggle to let out my feelings (an intj and the only child???pick a struggle). When my head is full i do crazy shit, well, i can do crazy shit when i'm not in my adult life and had to put myself together to appear professional, hence i always need my journal to keep my sanity.
But what did i do when i have a lot of things in my head and i also did not entry my journal: i went unproductive (i don't know if unproductive is a word). Like i said earlier, i lost in the algorithm and scroll for hours. Thankfully, tiktok has this feature where you can put your screen time limit, break and bedtime reminder. I know this feature for a while but i just use it for the past weeks. I set the screen limit for maximum 2 hours per day, break every 20 minutes of uninterrupted scrolls, and 10 pm bedtime. It helps, tho, i wished youtube (shorts) and instagram have this feature too.
I recently finished Rebel of the Sands trilogy by Alwyn Hamilton. I finished the first book on June and the other two this month. I'm so proud of myself, and i really wanted to keep my 'two books per month' streak going, considering i still have at least 10 TBR books. I wanted to keep my promise that i wouldn't buy new books if i haven't finished my TBRs but i just keep breaking it, so why bother.
I also writing this blog post exactly after i started to entry my journal again, i started writing this after dusk prayer. I feel better tho, a little bit (because i still had to work tomorrow, lol), hence why i could put my feelings here in the blog (and my journal). I've always been a writer myself, i've had this blog since i was in elementary school, ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, i probably was 12, and i'm 25, half to 26 now. I have my mental journal, my daily agenda, i always write my school/college materials on paper instead of gdocs, i write academic essays and became a speaker, i have this blog and Kompasiana blog. So when i'm not writing, i'm not okay.
For a while i think it's always doing nothing or doing anything.
I might have a condition, but tbh with you, i really want to have it checked but i don't have the money. But when i do, i'll be yapping with my therapist.
Peace out.
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