It's a really simple yet complicated sentence, why? first, covid, second, whatever covid costs us. I am so deeply sorry for all of my friends who lost their loved ones because of covid, it is a very sad, tragic and confusing time, like, "I want to hug you and absorb all of your sadness, but I can't, we can't" you know that feeling? I too have family members who died because of covid, my parents' whatsapp group full of death announcements of their old friends. Aside from that, I also watched many households fall apart during covid: they goin' broke, they become mentally unstable, sell their golds and even furnitures, skipped school to work, divorce, all of the awful things. My household too, goin' broke.
On my last years of college, I've had to let go of my vehicle one by one. The last vehicle that I had, had to go back 'by force' when my best friend and I went on a hike. We were just having fun, ate mie ayam, and the disaster happened, it was a nightmare for me, why? Because my vehicle is my freedom, I can go wherever, whenever (safely) when I don't feel like it at home. Yes, I am a jerk, I fuckin run whenever things goin' downfall, and this might be a Karma for me because I was such a coward, I run, instead of facing it. And yes, I am so weak, I cried a lot, I do thing I swore I wouldn't do again, and I refuse to go to therapist because of the cost and yes, I don't have a vehicle. When I had my vehicle I would lie (don't do this) to my parents and tell them I went somewhere but turned out I went to therapist. Told you, I am a coward.
But I am so thankful that I am still alive, and I'm trying to. I'm on my community service program in Bantul, and yes, I am trying to go with someone's vehicle, I tried to hide whatever truth to my friends. I might be ashamed but I deny it, but I just---don't want my friends to know whatever my truth is, except for the one(s) who was there when they took my vehicle, I am sorry that you have to see me like this, and thank you for being there and being here right now.
Whatever shitrant that I wrote here, might be not as complicated as someone out there who might be way unlucky that I am, so, I might end here.
Stay alive, you are matter.
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