[photo dump] everything that i've ever asked for

 

thankyou for the 365+30 days with you guys, I love you infinity, and I always wishing the best for us. I hope we meet again somewhere, maybe outside kamasetra, and I wish you always be happy with life. I believe that we can though anything, we can reach anything that we want.
sincere love,
Ratih

[photo dump] 30 days: witing tresna jalaran seka kulina

congrats to ferdi!

strongest people i've ever known.

strongest team, the love of my life.

the editors.

365+30

thankyou for teaching me sincerity

behind the scenes

the learning process.

babies

babies (2)

the transfer of knowledge

and the happy days.

deleting social media

    So, since around October or last September 2020, I've deactivated my instagram and twitter account. For some reasons, indeed, I was busy with my assignments and kamasetra, but the actual reason, is that, I, am insecure. I don't really know what am I insecure for, or maybe I was just jealous. Jealous of other's life, their happy life, travelling and all, having money to pay for the covid test and the trip cost itself. And here I am living my boring life: online class and exhausting offline community. I mean, I did took some local trips to Bantul, Gunungkidul and Sleman, and sometimes I--myself, alone, went to somewhere to clear my mind, but I don't know why I don't feel the happiness of what other people show on their instagram account. The conclusion, instagram are just really exhausting, REALLY, exhausting. I don't know, whether I can still open my instagram account after 5 months of being deactivated, but up until this moment, I guess I don't care.

    Second, is my twitter account. To be honest, twitter was just much better than instagram in any way. The users are very open minded and they got 'words' to say, not just pictures, for me it's too blunt. But, because of that, the 'too' open minded people sometimes they are just straight up dumb, and not knowing what were they tweeting. Some tweets opening up about some things, like suicidal thoughts, insecurities and just toxic words----trigger me, sometimes, sometimes. I even tried to avoid some words by hiding or filtering(????) some words that could trigger me. But one night I gave up and I decided to deactivate it. I know that twitter has this regulation, when you deactivate your account for more than 30 days, it'll be automatically deleted. So, yeah. 

    The third account is my tiktok account, yes, I had tiktok, it's not because of me personally, but it was because of my cousin. It was fun because I love to dance, and there are many of good tips, tricks, hacks and recipes. But, again, it can be very exhausting and triggering for me. For once, I followed only 3 of my closest friends, and others are famous people, but then I set my account to private and start posting my videos without hijab---yeah, because of my other personality told me to do so---but, then again, I felt insecure about myself, especially, after I cut my hair short--like, very short. I looked like crazy. So I deleted it.

    It has been 5 months since I deleted my social media accounts, and I really did NOT regret anything. even though sometimes I kinda feel weird whenever my friends talking about someone did something on instagram, or whatever, kinda feel like I live in a cave, but hey....Tame Impala said that "the less I know the better". And how does deactivating social medias affect my mental health? well, it helps A LOT, at least I'm progressing, and I don't have to worry about other people's activities and achievements, I can be more focus on myself. Deleting my social media also prevents me for knowing the information that I actually avoiding---prevents myself for getting hurt, and that's just......ALL that I ever asked for.

    So, I know, it's weird, in this era of online plus the covid thingy, you just don't have any social media. But for me, especially, in this time of crisis, everyone need to be sane. This is my way to  keep my sanity.

2020: year of findings

     I know 2020 is not a very good year to most of people, including me, too. But 2020 starts with a good---yet, GREAT beginning for me. So, 2020 dimulai dengan Ramayana Prambanan, and I finally get the chance to dance in Ramayana Ballet, with my fellow dancer, Kirana. It is a tough process, I know, but I am so thankful that I can finally tick one of my ULTIMATE dream. Awal bulan Januari sebenernya aku masih struggling sama PPS I, aku masih harus wara-wiri cari arsip and all, nulis lagi, dilanjutin UAS, terus Ramayana, latian latian latian, dan pelantikan. Yep, aku---secara sukarela---mendaftar bidang penelitian dan pengembangan, dan surprise surprise, sama Kirana lagi, dan surprise surprise surprise aku jadi koordinatornya. Tanggal 29 Januari pelantikan, dan yeah, disinilah tanggung jawab dimulai. Ada banyak sekali masukan dari alumni dan demissioner, dan ya aku tertantang untuk mewujudkan semua itu (sebelum tau a global disaster is coming). Selain itu, rangkaian acara PWB 2020 juga belum selesai, jadi kita masih harus ada pembekalan, dan tanggal 22-23 Februari adalah acara MPPK eksplorasi, bulan Februari juga rapat kerja dan Ramayana Ballet 4 kali lagi. Dua bulan ini emang rasanya protol banget badan dan pikiran. 

    Bulan Maret, mulai banyak panggilan yang kita sebut dengan PY gitu, the first time I manage something like that. In fact, it requires meeting new people and INTERACTING, dimana whatsapp ku dihubungi orang-orang yang belum aku kenal, and that's scary, to be honest. I really push myself outside to INTERACTING. Bulan Maret juga menjadi bulan kelahiran UKM KAMASETRA, jadi kita disibukkan dengan perencanaan perayaan, dan tentu saja, latihan untuk pementasan. But of course, the corona virus is really coming, tanggal 16 Maret 2020, kampus memberlakukan pembelajaran dari rumah, padahal acaranya tanggal 21 Maret 2020, that's sucks. Perkuliahan jadi sangat tidak efektif gitu, karena di semester 4 ini masih pake whatsapp dan google classroom, kadang besmart, dan itu pun temen-temen dan dosen belum terbiasa dengan yang namanya google meet dan zoom. Ada sih sebenernya, namanya BBB, big blue button dari UNY, tapi kita pun masih belum bisa pakenya. Gila sih, disini aku yang biasanya paketan 3GB per bulan, aku jadi harus beli 15GB (waktu belum ada kuota belajar dari UNY dan pemerintah). 

    Pada bulan-bulan Maret-April ini, aku banyak banget bikin makeup, video transisi ala ala tiktok, masak, like MASAK TERUS, nonton youtube. Bulan April juga adalah ulangtahun Ozi, aku stuck bener mau ngasih apa, karena masih takut keluar jauh, jadinya aku beliin 'new normal' starterpack gitu. Bulan April ini juga kita memasuki bulan Ramadan, bulan April ini juga kita---pengurus---udah mulai jenuh dan coba bikin-bikin sesuatu yang baru. Karena sebagai Litbang, tbh, aku merasa kewalahan banget kalo suruh online dan semuanya pasti dari pintu sosial media, dan sosial media itu kerjaan Litbang, so. Pada akhirnya kita mulai ngide bikin podcast, dimana kita mewawancarai alumni dan demisioner soal seni tradisi, utamanya soal seni tradisi di era pandemi dan era modern. Hadirlah podcast JAMET (Jagongan Mesra Kamset). Bulan-bulan ini juga dapet bantuan sembako dari mana-mana, including dari Ramayana Ballet, seneng banget lah bisa buat ngirit beli beras, apalagi di bulan Ramadan gini.

   Memasuki bulan Mei, proses syuting JAMET udah berjalan, ini pertama kalinya aku keluar rumah lama dan jauh pada masa pandemi. Jalanan sepi banget, toko-toko pada tutup, dan suasananya bener-bener kayak Jogja gitu, I am really loving this vibe (tapi ya kita tau sendiri, suasana ini enggak berjalan lama yakan, apalagi setelah lebaran). Pada bulan Ramadan ini juga, kelas TRISOC ngide banget buat bagiin takjil di kawasan Malioboro sampe ke Masjid Agung. Seneng banget rasanya bisa kumpul sama temen-temen lagi, dan at the same time bagi-bagi takjil. Lebaran di rumah, sambil video call temen-temen, Ozik, rasanya emang beda sih, kangen suasana lebaran biasanya di lapangan, walaupun bikin opor sama sambel goreng kentang masih ada, tapi vibesnya kan beda. 

    Sebenernya pada bulan-bulan ini, aku merasa kayak ada sesuatu yang beda---mungkin karena efek pandemi juga, tapi nggak tau kenapa setiap lihat sosial media, utamanya instagram sama twitter, itu bikin---sesuatu yang ada di dalam diriku rasanya sedih, terpukul, dan endingnya bikin aku anxious. Ditambah sebenernya aku capek banget beradaptasi sama kuliah dengan cara kayak gini, dimana aku tidak memiliki keleluasaan buat ke perpustakaan sampe tutup buat nyari sumber dan buat chill. Somehow melihat orang lain sambat juga di media sosial bikin aku jadi tambah nge-down dan---nggak tau---toxic positivity di dalam diriku yang kayak, "ayo ayo pasti bisa", "masih ada banyak sumber ebooks", "cari serat babad kan bisa diterjemahin sendiri", "jangan lebay deh, kan masih ada internet", "mending kamu masih semester 4, kamu ngebayangin ga yang mau lulus?" itu langsung jadi hancur gitu, kenapa ya, aku juga nggak tau, aku masih takut ke psikolog. 

    Bulan Juni, dimana semuanya sudah 'new normal', aku kembali ke kampus, lebih tepatnya ke FBS dulu, baru ke FIS, kita proker---WELL, basically, kegiatan aku tahun ini lebih banya proker, 24/7 sama either Vemi, Kirana, mas Nandi atau Ferdi, udah itu aja. Bulan Juli kita juga harus kehilangan teman kita yang juga pengurus, Yayan, karena sakit, sedih banget rasanya, padahal Yayan itu selalu jadi hiburan tiap kali suasana (utamanya gelanggang, di kostum) itu lagi panas. Aku seneng banget sama keceriaannya Yayan, usilnya, dan pokoknya Yayan banget, kreativitasnya dalam kostum sama makeup, gada duanya, semoga kamu tenang disana ya Yan, kamu udah nggak ngerasain sakit lagi. Bulan Juli kita juga harus kejar deadline video profile UKM buat display. Aneh banget masa display nya di besmart, UGH.

    Bulan Agustus dan September ini sebenernya udah lebih 'sibuk' karena ada proses seleksi kampus untuk Pekan Seni Mahasiswa Nasional (PEKSIMINAS), dan aku sendiri ngurusin Penerimaan Warga Baru (PWB), karena kali ini, for the first time in forever, aku jadi ketua acara. Oktober-November-Desember tbh, rasanya CEPET BANGET, pendaftaran, penutupan pendaftaran, seleksi administrasi, seleksi wawancara, pepanggihan (technical meeting), pembekalan, sampe pembekalan tinggal satu lagi bulan Januari besok, habis itu MPPK eksplorasi. Tugas-tugas kepengurusan, LPJ, bantuin pengurus lain, belum kalo insidental, beres-beres gelanggang. Makul PPS GILA, dan tau-tau sebentar lagi UAS. Tahun baru.

    And, I want to highlight something. I joined the VIRTUAL exchange program at Asia University, Taiwan. It was a tough journey, aku sempat tidak masuk dalam batch pertama, tapi akhirnya aku masuk di batch dua, dan aku bisa ketemu orang-orang baru. I met my friends dari FBS, kenalan sama anak IPIREL UMY (mantan calon prodi dan kampus), dan of course temen-temen dan dosen di Taiwan. I'm blessed that, finally, I've got this opportunity, that I've been wanting, for a fuckin long time, walaupun secara virtual juga, whatever. I am blessed and I am so thankful of it.

   This year is tough, for all of us. Kita semua nggak terbiasa, nggak tau akan keadaan, dan ketakutan terbesar manusia kan 'fear of the unknown' jadi, ya, kita semua takut akan kejadian ini. But if we look at the good side (not trying to throw toxic positivity here) ada loh, blessing in disguise, ada aja yang bisa kita ambil hikmahnya. Misalnya, kita jadi aware soal teknologi, kita jadi bisa improving our skills at home, berkebun, pelihara ikan cupang, making content. Kita juga jadi aware terhadap kebersihan, dimana mana sekarang ada wastafel, most of the people bawa cutlery sendiri, bawa mukena, sajadah sendiri. Ini jadi trend, in a good way, finally.

    Aku pribadi menemukan blessing in disguised seperti mengembangkan skill makeup karakterku, editing video (walau pake hape, monmaap spek laptop cuman bisa buat chrome sama word), making content with my friends, apalagi di kamasetra, belajar cara merubah pagelaran seni menjadi ke dunia digital, read more books. Pokoknya ada aja sih yang memang bisa diambil hikmahnya dari semua ini. I joined exchange, ikut banyak sekali webinar online gratis yang SANGAT menarik, kayak Borobudur Writers and Cultural Festival (BWCF), aku direkomendasikan Pak Kuncoro buat jadi asisten peneliti, shoutout! Thankyou so much pokoknya buat semua pihak yang sudah membantu aku survive sekaligus mendapatkan banyak sekali ibrah dari kejadian corona virus whatever ini.

    AND NOW THE GALLERIES!

the virtual exchange students
struggling with all of this, 
makasih ya udah bikin 2020
jadi lebih seru sama kalian, all
17 of you, i love y'all!

terimakasih temen temen TRISOC, ini membuktikan
lagi kalo kita masih solid dan kita peduli terhadap
sesama. Thankyou for this charity experience!

and the beach!

my babies DRA, thankyou
for always being there for me
emang susah ketemu ya kita 
tahun ini, but thanks to tech
I miss you guys so much!

ah, I cannot express how thankful I am having
sisters and brothers like you guys, indeed korsa
sampai dibawa mati. Thankyou so much atas 
semua dukungannya selama ini, I love you so much!

mbamba pemaksaan nyemir rambut sampa bawa 
aku ke pub. Thankyou so much udah jadi tempat 
curhatku selama ini, sampe detik ini, you've witness
everything, every story of me, thankyou so much!

tim struggling akhir semester
sama kayak tahun lalu, thankyou
for the support for each other
we can through this!

pengurus 2020, I hope we are still in the same vision
ya, semangat sampe akhir Januari ini nanti. Thankyou
for the opportunity, I hope we met again.

My babies litbang, I cannot be thankful more
sama orang-orang yang udah mempertemukan
kita bareng di litbang. I'm sorry kalau jadi koor
aku masih suka emosi, banyak kurangnya, I love
you guys so much, so much, and I always wishing
the best for four of us.

TIGA SRIKANDI KAMASETRA 2020
YOK BISA YOK!

my baby, I'm so proud to see you grow
dari SMA sampe sekarang nemenin kamu,
you've changed a lot (in a good way), and
i LOOOOVE to see you being confident
out there, doing what you love. You are
just amazing. Thankyou for the love that
you always give me.

....i'm totally speechless, i'm sorry for being
a reckless daughter

hey, we survived, we fought, and we win
we are MUCH stroger than last year. Taun
lalu memang capek fisik, tapi taun ini capek
semuanya, pemikiran, hati, otak, and we did it
I'm proud.

I only hope that 2021 will be better in anything

any

thing

updates: december

    Wow, I think I really lost count about what's going on in the world right now. It is already December, the weather is getting colder---rainy season, not winter season, but what's the difference anyway? Only the density of the water, both are same: falling and making the weather cold. What am I talking about, really. So, I've been doing stuff, like----kamasetra thingy, recruitment and all. Kinda overwhelming for me, since I'm the---head of this, I've never been in this position before, and I actually never want it. The exchange stuff, really gets me. I'm not even talking about the assignment and all, it's all fine to me, but idk, it's just---after the midterm (around 2 weeks ago), I started to feel bored about this program. Thinking about how Tuesday would be so hectic, I have to prepare since 7am, because the class starts at 8am, sometimes my MsTeams is taking too long to proceed. Then on 12pm I have to doubled the class, joining the other class on google meet, class dismissed at 5.20pm. After that I have to make resume about todays classes, and resume for East Asia History. Oh God.

    I also logging off from social medias, such as instagram and twitter, I deactivate my account and uninstalled the app from my phone. I even deleted my tiktok account, I only use snapchat now, since nobody is there (except Devi, my exchange program friend, and Talitha, my cousin' friend). The reason is simple: I'm tired---I'm tired of following the trends, seeing all the cute girls with tye dye clothes, colored hair, and all instagramable places as background, posing so beautifully. I'm not judging here, it's just---it's all the same, everyone following the trends, nobody really pops up and being contra to that and just---being original---I said, I'm not judging, I'm countering the status quo, as if we are in debate competition. Twitter is actually quiet different, but I don't like the 'fleet' feature, it's dumb, and again, not original. I like twitter as it is, because I like to write and I like to read, I like to read people's opinion on something and being contra to that (still, not judging anyone). But the Indonesian trends are really annoying and scary at the same time. You guys might know that, I'm gonna put no context here, you just need to look around, saw the television and see what happen in our beloved country after 'he' came. Oh damn, I did put context.

    But anyway, I might not look like myself, but trust me, I am so much happier right now with less social media that I use. It's just my another stage of growth, I guess. I might tell you guys in the next post, but that is it for the updates!

i lost count on quarantine (life updates)

    The last time I posted about quarantine was on May, and now we are on September. I totally lost count, karena beberapa bulan setelah itu aku udah mulai keluar keluar lagi, doing stuff, ya terutama dan yang paling utama adalah kerjaan Kamasetra. Things are not getting better at all, pandeminya tidak selesai, perekonomiannya pun tidak kunjung membaik pula. I admit that aku emang keluar keluar, tapi aku sangat usahakan yang penting banget aja kalo emang ada kerjaan banget, dan itupun juga bawa the whole "new normal" things, kayak tissue, handsanitizer, masker, dan habis aku pergi bajuku langsung aku cuci. Aslik, aku juga jadi anak workout sekarang, I workout 3 times a week setiap sore, ngikutin routine nya Chloe Ting. Serta tentunya minum vitamin, aku males banget ya anaknya tuh minum vitamin, jujur aja. Karena jatuhnya bahan kimia dan aku---apaya, menolak, obat aja aku gasuka. Tapi ya aku alternatifkan pake madu, air jahe, jamu jamuan, teh. I think emang good effect nya adalah kita jadi sadar akan kesehatan kita sendiri. 

    Karena aku juga udah mulai kuliah, aku merasanya jadi lebih males gitu, even tho I have so much time in my hand tapi kayak----procastinating adalah sesuatu yang tiba tiba datang padaku gitu, padahal aku anaknya nggak deadliner. Kaget sih sebenernya sama semester 5 ini, semacam ada dualisme---kuliah online tapi kegiatan offline---idk, rasanya aneh banget banget. Semester ini aku ngambil 24 sks, yes, 24 dan itupun peminatan cuma 2sks, ditambah aku ikut program Transfer Kredit dari Kemendikbud, yang internasional. Aku dapet di Taiwan, di Asia University, dan aku ngambil 2 makul berbobot 4sks: topics in english and globalization, serta multiculturalism and global perspective. Emang enggak ada sangkut pautnya sama sejarah sama sekali, but maybe I could learn about the diversity, dan kemudian melakukan research myself. Program ini semacam student exchange gitu lo, tapi online, awoakwoakaok, jadi ya....yaudah mau gimana lagi juga. Di Taiwan emang udah kuliah offline, tapi masih membatasi dari negara lain buat masuk kesana, so. But I'm still happy and satisfied lah, semoga aja ini bisa menjadi pengalaman yang sangat berharga buat aku kedepannya, dalam belajar sejarah dan culture. 

    Apalagi ya......oya, kegiatan Kamasetra masih jalan, malah lagi sangat sangat padatnya nih. Penerimaan Warga Baru sudah dibuka, kemudian dibarengi dengan Peksiminas, trus bulan depan bakalan ada wayang audio dan sandiwara radio dari bidang pedhalangan dan teater. Apapun lah yang bisa dilakukan agar tetap produktif, tetap berkarya ditengah situasi seperti ini, selain menggugurkan kewajiban, juga sebagai---apaya, pembelajaran, contoh buat generasi kedepannya, belajar juga kita bagaimana cara meng-digitalkan seni tradisi. It was a long journey, and indeed so exhausting. Tapi semoga ada hikmahnya lah, pasti selalu ada hikmahnya aamiin.

    So that's the update I guess

    See u next post!

two months of quarantine

    Another update from me, second checkpoint, bulan kedua berada #dirumahaja. Things are getting crazier everyday, people, yang aku perkirakan akhir bulan Mei kasusnya 15ribu orang, ternyata baru pertengahan aja udah 16ribu orang. Konspirasi-konspirasi mulai merajalela gatau gabut gatau udah nggak keisi otaknya apa gimana. Orang-orang yang udah gila di rumah pada keluar, bukber, nostalgia do McD Sarinah, mulai melakukan perjalanan sampe Soetta rame berdesak-desakan. I don't know which one is getting worse, the virus or our insanity. I am still here, at home, sesekali keluar beli jajanan, beli bahan makan, sekali kemaren nggarap proker ukm, bentar doang, and it's fasting, y'all, 'beda' nya memang sangat kerasa. And one thing that I regret is that aku belum sempet ke makam adekku, Wulan, sebelum semua ini terjadi. Sis, I hope you pray for us, too.

    Nothing's really changed, I still learning saron, upgrading my guitar skill, got stuck on some college assignments, running out of miscellar water jadi aku gabisa sering-sering make up an, terutama yang karakter, oh and I write a story. Nggak bisa dibilang novel sih, lebih pendek dari itu, tentang KKN wqwq tapi bukan horror, more like romance-drama-thriller tipis tipis karena ada kekerasannya. Lagi sering cari film baru, review film yang aku copy dari warnet sebulan yang lalu, masih buanyak yang belom aku tonton ternyata. Pengen nonton The End of F ing World lagi, ntaran sumpah belom mood. Dan hobi baruku sekarang hobi mainstream: bikin konten, virtual photoshoot, cover coveran lagu sama Kirana (baru satu deng wq), dan shitpostingan bareng agen 049 (pakaji) dan mas Raafi yang edan banget sugerdedi satu itu. 

    OH and DIY, aku bikin beberapa DIY dried flowers, turning kursi meja rias jadi side desk, beli rak yang disusun dulu macam ikea. Just.....to keep my head working, y'all. And I still doing exercise, walau puasa puasa gini, biar nggak jenuh aja, yang gampang gampang aja, 20 menit sehari, 10 menit pagi, 10 menit menjelang berbuka, stretching malem sebelum tidur. One thing yang pengen aku kurangi adalah penggunaan hape dan laptop, I swear to God, lama lama minusku bisa nambah kalo gini caranya. Still trying to find a way, apalagi udah kelar kuliahnya, bulan depan tinggal UAS, jadi aku bisa mengalihkan semuanya dulu, and get more productive in real life, I hope so. 

    So that's the update, and don't forget to visit blog KAMASETRA new updates every Saturday.

    Stay safe!